By Patty Maher,
It is 4 a.m. I have been tossing and turning in bed for two hours.What to do…what to do…what to do.
It seems as though the used computer salesman who was supposedly helping me with a special piece of equipment I bought for $400 to run my business might have broken my $400 investment. $400 is a lot of money to me. There will be no way of proving this guy broke it. All I know is that it worked before I went to him and now it doesn't and I have to wait until morning to talk to my company's tech support and see if they can help.
I waited two weeks for that $400 thingy to arrive in the mail – and for one week I thought it was lost. I bought it used from an insurance agent who has decided to get out of the business. He never used it and I saved $100. But he didn’t write my address correctly when he shipped it. AND he failed to insure it or even get a tracking number of any kind. While worrying that my computer investment was lost in the mail, I had to put my cat to sleep. She was my companion for seventeen years. I had never put an animal to sleep before. Stress from the technology issues and the cat death have been tremendous. I’ve cried lots.
I could go on and on about technological stresses that have happened in the past month or so. They are similar to the car stresses that happened when I was trying to save money by not having a car payment and driving $500 to $1000 cars. Since I am not mechanical; since I can hardly fold a chair, I never knew if I was making a $100 investment in the old jalopies wisely or not. When you drive old cars like that, you’re always being asked to spend $100 on this or that. It’s constantly frustrating. But I don’t want to talk about computers or cars. I want to talk about the institution of marriage.
Mawe-wige – as pronounced by the preacher in The Princess Bride. Seriously, friends – if you are considering divorce, DON’T DO IT – not unless your husband or wife is an absolute scoundrel or a creep. Really, consider just staying together and practicing loving each other. Just keep practicing; eventually you’ll probably get it right. Seriously – who needs big-gushy-romantic love when you’ve got someone to lean on when the car doesn’t start, when the checkbook doesn’t balance and when the computer freaks out?
My former husband and I divorced quite peacefully in January 2000. We had no children or assets so it was pretty straight forward. We bought a do-it-yourself divorce kit off the internet for $75 and went down to the courthouse and filed together. We just were not happy. To be honest with you, it was mostly me who wasn’t happy. He wasn’t romantic enough for my liking. There were philosophical and religious differences that seemed like they would cause real problems if we had children.
I wanted children. He wanted a sailboat. He found his second wife months after the divorce and he is with her today. They have two children. I never found my Prince Charming. I have come to understand that Prince Charming only lives in the story book. And really, if there was a Prince Charming in real life, he’d certainly get on my very last nerve. So my former husband got a family, which I always wanted, and I learned to sail, which he always wanted.
It takes two people to ruin a relationship. And when it’s over, you still have to look at yourself and your own issues in the mirror every morning.
Why am I writing this? Seriously, I miss having a husband around. Sure I’ve dated men since the divorce. They’ve all had their issues, too. Everyone does. I suppose I could pull out some statistics about health and marriage but I won’t. I’m pretty sure we’re all aware that married people are happier in old age and live longer. I mean that’s pretty well documented, isn’t it? But it isn’t just missing a husband and frustration with technology that caused me to sit at my computer at 4 a.m. today and write about Mawe-widge.
Various friends of mine lately have been talking to me about divorce. Some have developed crushes on other people and their spouses seem pale in comparison. Generally these crushes have happened over the internet. It’s a real temptation these days.
My thinking on the subject of marriage and divorce is this:
If you are considering leaving a marriage because you are miserable with your spouse – because he or she is abusive, because he or she cheats on you, because you have no intimacy at all in your marriage – it is very possibly a good idea to leave the marriage. Talk to a few counselors and religious leaders (if you are religious) before making the decision.
If you are considering leaving a marriage because you seem to have fallen in love with someone else who is more romantic and emotionally satisfying – seriously reconsider, especially if the romantic person is someone whom you met over the internet.
Seriously – there are no Prince Charmings. And if there were, who would want one?
And back to the computer and car issues. You say your spouse is an idiot when it comes to cars and computers, so you might as well divorce him anyway? Seriously, it doesn’t matter. Having been single for a decade now I can tell you that it’s so much nicer to have an idiot to commiserate with when things break down. And just remember – you can always blame the problem on him!
Friday, August 6, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Stealing Buddha
I'm amazed at the love in my life -- and the kindness and generosity of my friends and family.
People just love me. I don't get it.
I wasn't feeling especially loveable today. I was feeling like a failure. I was feeling like I might as well just hold my thumb and index finger to my forehead all day in the shape of a big "L." I was feeling like a big fat loser.
But I didn't lose -- because people love me and that love and generosity held me in place all day. It lifted me up. It saw me through.
It all started with a phone conversation with a 12-step friend from my eating meeting this morning. I didn't sell a single insurance policy last week and since having my 17-year-old kitty friend Lucy put to sleep on Friday I've been depressed --really blue. Actually, the depression started Thursday when I realized I had to do it and called the vet to make the appointment. I've never had a pet for its whole life and I'd acquired Lucy at a time when I was newly married, expecting to have a family. She was to be like practice. But I didn't end up with children and the marriage ended in 2000. Lucy was with me through so much. My mother, who died in 1998,brought Lucy little treats when she was a kitten.
I didn't expect people to really understand how this loss has set me back. I'm supposed to be out selling insurance, after all. I need to beat the recession. I need to get this career up and going. I don't have time to be sad. I don't have time to be thrown off base.
But people have been so understanding. This morning I found a framed picture of Lucy in pink tissue paper. My roommate had left it for me. The frame has sweet little hearts all around it and says Live, Love, Laugh all over the place.
My nephew, Joe, took me out for Chinese food this evening. He's such a caring young man and I love him so much. We talked about Lucy quit a bit, and about 12-step recovery and about our jobs. I started feeling grounded and my mood was shifting. Then a man tried to walk out of the restaurant with the Buddha that sits by the cash register. There's nothing like watching a guy try to steal a Buddha in broad daylight to make you feel like you're not such a huge loser after all. I mean, I may not be the world's greatest saleswoman. But I am willing to learn. I am willing to work hard. I am willing to keep trying. And I have never felt so down and out that I've wanted to steal a Buddha in broad daylight (or even in the night or anything). So, I guess I am not the worst person in the world after all.
Even my 80-year-old dad who is not a cat fan understands and has been extremely compassionate. I hated to call him today and ask for money again but I had to. Some money I had been expecting in the mail didn't come. Some equiptment I had ordered for my business didn't come in the mail, either. It has not been a good seven days. Things have not been working out the way I had planned or hoped in most capacities and I've been really sad and grouchy.
Amazingly, my dear old dad understood completely. He has always called cats "walking flea bags." When I stayed with him he actually made me keep my cats locked in a cage in the basement. He thinks they are disease-ridden creatures. Imagine me trying to explain to this man that I was still a little behind on my earnings (largly due to the setback brought on by the loss of my cat) and I need money.
"Patty," he said. "You know I am not going to say that I understand this situation because I have never liked cats. But I understand that you loved that cat and took very good care of it for seventeen years. It is normal that you are going to be very sad." I was bawling by this point, of course. "How much do you need?"
I told him.
"That's not a problem. We will take care of this situation and get you on your feet. And if I check my accounts and find that I have another seventy-five cents in it, I'll write the check for seventy-five cents more."
I told him I loved him and that he's the best dad in the world. This whole reliance upon people for help is a pretty good thing. I never used to be this way. Honestly, I never in my life imagined how generous and kind people are.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Focusing on Gratitude
I write about gratitude quite a bit. It's important to me. I think it's life changing.
These first few months of learning to be an insurance saleswoman have been pretty stressful and I know the next few months are likely to be stressful as well. When life is extra-stressful, I find it ESPECIALLY important to focus on gratitude.
So everybody knows that I work a 12-step program for eating and dieting issues. I'm all out of the closet with that and it feels good and a little bit frightening to be so open about it here in my blog.
I know from past experience that when I've felt vulnerable, afraid, weak, tormented or just plain overwhelmed -- gratitude has been a saving grace. Gratitude has kept my attitude in check. Gratitude has saved me from resentments. Gratitude has saved me from self pity. Gratitude has saved me from doubt. Gratitude has -- on numerous occasions -- saved my back.
The wonderful thing about gratitude is that you don't have to come by it naturally. It is a trait that can genuinely be fostered. Sponsors I've had in my 12-step work have helped me to practice gratitude.
I've been a little bit depressed over the past few weeks about some of the things that I am not. I am not making much money yet. I am not a super-star insurance saleswoman. I am not a fabulously organized business woman. I am not extremely confident with my sales communication skills.
You get the picture. The list could go on. There are so many ares where I can improve.
But I believe those areas will improve in the future if I focus on gratitude instead of self pity and uncertainty. In fact if I do focus intentionally on gratitude, I believe that I can realistically end each of the "not" statements I listed, with a truthful and optimistic YET!
For the next thirty days I am committing to start each day by writing a list of 20 things for which I am grateful. Every day for thirty days -- 20 gratitudes to start the day. I invite you to join me in this practice if you feel you could use a bit more positive energy in your life.
Here is a list for today... I am grateful because:
1. I am not at war. I am not a soldier in military battle.
2. I have a comfortable bed to sleep in.
3. I have a car that has no major problems and needs no big repairs (this is a big gratitude after driving older vehicles that broke down frequently for a number of years).
4. I have six older siblings who love me.
5. My 17-year-old cat, Lucy, is feeling better and apparently may live for quite a while longer -- maybe a year or two, even.
6. I have an interesting new career and work with some great people.
7. I have the opportunity to learn more about health insurance and I am receiving some great training about insurance and insurance sales through the company where I work.
8. I was able to arrange to buy a computer system and signing pad for $400 barely used. If I had purchased these items new they would have cost me $675.
9. I have great friends and family who love me.
10. I live in Michigan -- one of the most beautiful places in the world.
11. I am very healthy for a person my age.
12. I have a great dad and I was raised by two parents who loved me.
13. I learned to play a fun card game called Speed last night. A nice 13-year-old taught me.
14. I have excellent eyesight -- especially for a person my age.
15. I know how to sail.
16. I can swim!
17. I have good books to read.
18. I have groceries!!!
19. I have fresh blueberries in my refrigerator.
20. It's summertime!
These first few months of learning to be an insurance saleswoman have been pretty stressful and I know the next few months are likely to be stressful as well. When life is extra-stressful, I find it ESPECIALLY important to focus on gratitude.
So everybody knows that I work a 12-step program for eating and dieting issues. I'm all out of the closet with that and it feels good and a little bit frightening to be so open about it here in my blog.
I know from past experience that when I've felt vulnerable, afraid, weak, tormented or just plain overwhelmed -- gratitude has been a saving grace. Gratitude has kept my attitude in check. Gratitude has saved me from resentments. Gratitude has saved me from self pity. Gratitude has saved me from doubt. Gratitude has -- on numerous occasions -- saved my back.
The wonderful thing about gratitude is that you don't have to come by it naturally. It is a trait that can genuinely be fostered. Sponsors I've had in my 12-step work have helped me to practice gratitude.
I've been a little bit depressed over the past few weeks about some of the things that I am not. I am not making much money yet. I am not a super-star insurance saleswoman. I am not a fabulously organized business woman. I am not extremely confident with my sales communication skills.
You get the picture. The list could go on. There are so many ares where I can improve.
But I believe those areas will improve in the future if I focus on gratitude instead of self pity and uncertainty. In fact if I do focus intentionally on gratitude, I believe that I can realistically end each of the "not" statements I listed, with a truthful and optimistic YET!
For the next thirty days I am committing to start each day by writing a list of 20 things for which I am grateful. Every day for thirty days -- 20 gratitudes to start the day. I invite you to join me in this practice if you feel you could use a bit more positive energy in your life.
Here is a list for today... I am grateful because:
1. I am not at war. I am not a soldier in military battle.
2. I have a comfortable bed to sleep in.
3. I have a car that has no major problems and needs no big repairs (this is a big gratitude after driving older vehicles that broke down frequently for a number of years).
4. I have six older siblings who love me.
5. My 17-year-old cat, Lucy, is feeling better and apparently may live for quite a while longer -- maybe a year or two, even.
6. I have an interesting new career and work with some great people.
7. I have the opportunity to learn more about health insurance and I am receiving some great training about insurance and insurance sales through the company where I work.
8. I was able to arrange to buy a computer system and signing pad for $400 barely used. If I had purchased these items new they would have cost me $675.
9. I have great friends and family who love me.
10. I live in Michigan -- one of the most beautiful places in the world.
11. I am very healthy for a person my age.
12. I have a great dad and I was raised by two parents who loved me.
13. I learned to play a fun card game called Speed last night. A nice 13-year-old taught me.
14. I have excellent eyesight -- especially for a person my age.
15. I know how to sail.
16. I can swim!
17. I have good books to read.
18. I have groceries!!!
19. I have fresh blueberries in my refrigerator.
20. It's summertime!
Standing up to Stigmas
It's a little embarrassing to admit to the world that I have an eating disorder; I participate in a 12-step fellowship to deal with that eating disorder, and that I'm not cured yet. I'm still a work in progress.
But not to mention this aspect of my life as I blog about my career transition would seem to me like a major omission. Dealing with my eating disorder is a significant part of my life and the attention I pay to this area of my life has quite an effect on everything else I do.
Mind you, I was fat and not at all in any sort of twelve-step recovery during my most successful years as a journalist -- when my stories were being picked up by the Associated Press and Gannett News Service wires on a weekly and sometimes almost daily basis. During those years of my life I vacillated between 220 and 264 pounds. When I found the twelve-step recovery way of life for dealing with my weight, eating and dieting issues in 2001 I was thinner than I had been in years, weighing in at about 205. I am 5'10" tall and my figure is shaped like an hour-glass, not an apple or a pear, so I carry my weight well. Even during these years when I was morbidly obese and at risk for all sorts of major health catastrophes, I didn't exactly look like someone who was a heart-attack waiting to happen.
Even though I was much less healthy emotionally and physically when I was morbidly obese, I felt less stigmatized professionally than I do today when I admit I work the 12-steps to deal with this problem. Even though millions of people throughout the world work 12-step programs today for alcoholism, drug abuse,debting, gambling, eating, codependency, smoking cessation, family relationships and other issues, there are still some stigmas attached to the fellowships. Out of respect for our tradition of anonymity, I don't mention which 12-step eating program I participate in (there are several -- graysheet, overeaters anonymous, food addicts in recovery, food addicts anonymous, to name a few).
The fact is, 12-step recovery is pretty normal nowadays. I speculate there may be more American families today who have members who work 12-step recovery programs than there are families who have no members in 12-step recovery programs.
Before I came into the fold of the 12-step food recovery community I tried just about everything except stomach stapling to lose weight and keep it off. I was in and out of diet clubs and gyms like nobodies business. But nothing worked. I haven't found perfect serenity with 12-step recovery but I can tell you that my eating life today is drastically improved from what it was ten years ago. Sometimes I feel as vulnerable as Oprah, though, with the whispers. After losing more than 100 pounds slowly over a period of about four years I have gained and lost about thirty pounds five or six times in the past five years.
I am not sharing this information about my eating and dieting recovery as a means to recruit others into the 12-step fold. Not at all. One of the keys to the program is attraction rather than promotion. We don't believe it's effective at all to try to recruit people to join 12-step fellowships. They must come to the solution on their own.
Rather, I just felt like defending the 12-step way of life a bit because I felt like I was a bit vulnerable in my post yesterday when I admitted about my Friday night problem with cookies and potato chips. But omitting that personal detail about my week would have felt somehow like a let down to my readers. I promised to report the good and bad of getting back on my feet again financially. Dealing with the eating issues are part of it.
Sometimes when I mention this 12-step lifestyle choice I have made I feel like I hear whispers. I do hope those whispers are mostly in my imagination. Certainly, though, there have been a few mummers within my own family -- and some interesting comments. People tend to wonder when I will grow out of this 12-step thing -- or at least when I might have greater and more consistent success. I mention I participate in the 12-step recovery not just because of a desire to be brutally honest. Also, I have found it's pretty hard to avoid questions. People see me eating specific amounts of specific foods and invariably have questions. Avoiding the questions is an art in itself and can be more exhausting than just telling the truth. People these days are obsessed with what others are eating or not eating. They see me using my scale. They see me fitting into size eight jeans -- and then six months later having trouble zipping my size 14s. Other types of 12-steppers can keep their business to themselves more easily than those of us with eating and dieting problems. Our problems and our behaviors related to our solution are pretty visible and attract fascination and inquisition.
It does seem a bit funny to people who don't have this condition, I know. It seems a little bit strange that I weigh and measure my food -- even at restaurants. It seems a little bit funny that I make all these phone calls to other people in the program and that I attend about three meetings a week. It seems a little bit funny that I read from the 12-step recovery literature every day, write on a topic of recovery and call my sponsor to read to her what I wrote about AND specifically commit every single ounce of food I will be eating in the next twenty-four hours.
It seems like so much work. It seems like so much trouble. But honestly, it is nothing like the troubles than happen when this condition goes untreated. Binging on foods such as Oreos and Pringles is no party. The first few bites are yummy. But the next few bites are horrible because true compulsive eaters such as me know there will be no closing up the packages. There is no end in site. The compulsive overeater won't be able to stop eating a package of cookies or snacks until the package is empty. The idea of eating a few cookies or chips is just a fantasy for us. We're not able to stop. We feel sick inside emotionally and physically but we just can't stop eating those goodies once we start.
Are we crazy people, we 12-step-food program participants? Are we people about whom society should be suspicious? Not at all. We are facing our problems and actively working to overcome them.
Many Americans will not face the problem of compulsive overeating and will eat themselves into early graves -- some of them will manage their households and businesses quite effectively even as they eat themselves to death. They will be less present emotionally, professionally and physically for the challenges that unfold each day than they would be if they were not eating compulsively -- but many of them will get by quite well with the day-to-day.
According to the U.S. Centers of Disease Control, in 2008 Colorado was the ONLY state in the nation with less than 20 percent of its population stricken by obesity. In 2008 32 states (including Michigan) had more than 25 percent obesity and six states in the U.S. had more than 30 percent obesity.
These figures alone are startling. What's even more disturbing to me is the alarming rate at which the obesity trend is increasing. In 1998 just seven states in the nation had more than 20-percent obesity (Michigan among them). In 1998 no states had an obesity rate of 25-percent or above.
So who are we to worry about most -- those of us who participate in the 12-step eating fellowships or those who don't? I am not suggesting the 12-step way of life is the only way to deal with compulsive overeating, bulimia and anorexia -- or that every person who is overweight is a compulsive overeater. There may be other methods that are effective for some people. And I accept that there probably are some fat and happy people in the world who have no desire to change their eating habits. The 12-step fellowships are designed for people who have a desire to modify their behaviors but cannot do so by themselves no matter how hard they try various diets and methods. The twelve-step way of life is for people who need a solution that is spiritual, physical and emotional.
The twelve-step way of life affords me a treasury of tools for dealing with everyday challenges -- some related to eating and others not at all related to eating. This way of life helps me to become more honest, more bold and more responsible. I think it's great. I'm extremely grateful for it.
But not to mention this aspect of my life as I blog about my career transition would seem to me like a major omission. Dealing with my eating disorder is a significant part of my life and the attention I pay to this area of my life has quite an effect on everything else I do.
Mind you, I was fat and not at all in any sort of twelve-step recovery during my most successful years as a journalist -- when my stories were being picked up by the Associated Press and Gannett News Service wires on a weekly and sometimes almost daily basis. During those years of my life I vacillated between 220 and 264 pounds. When I found the twelve-step recovery way of life for dealing with my weight, eating and dieting issues in 2001 I was thinner than I had been in years, weighing in at about 205. I am 5'10" tall and my figure is shaped like an hour-glass, not an apple or a pear, so I carry my weight well. Even during these years when I was morbidly obese and at risk for all sorts of major health catastrophes, I didn't exactly look like someone who was a heart-attack waiting to happen.
Even though I was much less healthy emotionally and physically when I was morbidly obese, I felt less stigmatized professionally than I do today when I admit I work the 12-steps to deal with this problem. Even though millions of people throughout the world work 12-step programs today for alcoholism, drug abuse,debting, gambling, eating, codependency, smoking cessation, family relationships and other issues, there are still some stigmas attached to the fellowships. Out of respect for our tradition of anonymity, I don't mention which 12-step eating program I participate in (there are several -- graysheet, overeaters anonymous, food addicts in recovery, food addicts anonymous, to name a few).
The fact is, 12-step recovery is pretty normal nowadays. I speculate there may be more American families today who have members who work 12-step recovery programs than there are families who have no members in 12-step recovery programs.
Before I came into the fold of the 12-step food recovery community I tried just about everything except stomach stapling to lose weight and keep it off. I was in and out of diet clubs and gyms like nobodies business. But nothing worked. I haven't found perfect serenity with 12-step recovery but I can tell you that my eating life today is drastically improved from what it was ten years ago. Sometimes I feel as vulnerable as Oprah, though, with the whispers. After losing more than 100 pounds slowly over a period of about four years I have gained and lost about thirty pounds five or six times in the past five years.
I am not sharing this information about my eating and dieting recovery as a means to recruit others into the 12-step fold. Not at all. One of the keys to the program is attraction rather than promotion. We don't believe it's effective at all to try to recruit people to join 12-step fellowships. They must come to the solution on their own.
Rather, I just felt like defending the 12-step way of life a bit because I felt like I was a bit vulnerable in my post yesterday when I admitted about my Friday night problem with cookies and potato chips. But omitting that personal detail about my week would have felt somehow like a let down to my readers. I promised to report the good and bad of getting back on my feet again financially. Dealing with the eating issues are part of it.
Sometimes when I mention this 12-step lifestyle choice I have made I feel like I hear whispers. I do hope those whispers are mostly in my imagination. Certainly, though, there have been a few mummers within my own family -- and some interesting comments. People tend to wonder when I will grow out of this 12-step thing -- or at least when I might have greater and more consistent success. I mention I participate in the 12-step recovery not just because of a desire to be brutally honest. Also, I have found it's pretty hard to avoid questions. People see me eating specific amounts of specific foods and invariably have questions. Avoiding the questions is an art in itself and can be more exhausting than just telling the truth. People these days are obsessed with what others are eating or not eating. They see me using my scale. They see me fitting into size eight jeans -- and then six months later having trouble zipping my size 14s. Other types of 12-steppers can keep their business to themselves more easily than those of us with eating and dieting problems. Our problems and our behaviors related to our solution are pretty visible and attract fascination and inquisition.
It does seem a bit funny to people who don't have this condition, I know. It seems a little bit strange that I weigh and measure my food -- even at restaurants. It seems a little bit funny that I make all these phone calls to other people in the program and that I attend about three meetings a week. It seems a little bit funny that I read from the 12-step recovery literature every day, write on a topic of recovery and call my sponsor to read to her what I wrote about AND specifically commit every single ounce of food I will be eating in the next twenty-four hours.
It seems like so much work. It seems like so much trouble. But honestly, it is nothing like the troubles than happen when this condition goes untreated. Binging on foods such as Oreos and Pringles is no party. The first few bites are yummy. But the next few bites are horrible because true compulsive eaters such as me know there will be no closing up the packages. There is no end in site. The compulsive overeater won't be able to stop eating a package of cookies or snacks until the package is empty. The idea of eating a few cookies or chips is just a fantasy for us. We're not able to stop. We feel sick inside emotionally and physically but we just can't stop eating those goodies once we start.
Are we crazy people, we 12-step-food program participants? Are we people about whom society should be suspicious? Not at all. We are facing our problems and actively working to overcome them.
Many Americans will not face the problem of compulsive overeating and will eat themselves into early graves -- some of them will manage their households and businesses quite effectively even as they eat themselves to death. They will be less present emotionally, professionally and physically for the challenges that unfold each day than they would be if they were not eating compulsively -- but many of them will get by quite well with the day-to-day.
According to the U.S. Centers of Disease Control, in 2008 Colorado was the ONLY state in the nation with less than 20 percent of its population stricken by obesity. In 2008 32 states (including Michigan) had more than 25 percent obesity and six states in the U.S. had more than 30 percent obesity.
These figures alone are startling. What's even more disturbing to me is the alarming rate at which the obesity trend is increasing. In 1998 just seven states in the nation had more than 20-percent obesity (Michigan among them). In 1998 no states had an obesity rate of 25-percent or above.
So who are we to worry about most -- those of us who participate in the 12-step eating fellowships or those who don't? I am not suggesting the 12-step way of life is the only way to deal with compulsive overeating, bulimia and anorexia -- or that every person who is overweight is a compulsive overeater. There may be other methods that are effective for some people. And I accept that there probably are some fat and happy people in the world who have no desire to change their eating habits. The 12-step fellowships are designed for people who have a desire to modify their behaviors but cannot do so by themselves no matter how hard they try various diets and methods. The twelve-step way of life is for people who need a solution that is spiritual, physical and emotional.
The twelve-step way of life affords me a treasury of tools for dealing with everyday challenges -- some related to eating and others not at all related to eating. This way of life helps me to become more honest, more bold and more responsible. I think it's great. I'm extremely grateful for it.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
First Things First
I ate mint Oreos and Pringles for dinner last night. I had forgotten to pack a lunch and hadn't brought my scale with me in my car. So when I got home at about 5:30 p.m. I was starving. I had a headache. The half-eaten package of mint Oreos was just sitting there on the counter. Nobody was around. Dinner.
To most people that doesn't sound like a horrible activity. It isn't as though I killed someone. It isn't as if I took heroin or drank myself into a wild frenzy. Heck, I didn't even drive anywhere! I was going to go out but there were tornado warnings and lightening. So, I just stayed in and ate half a package of mint Oreos and a canister of Pringles potato chips. I like Pringles. I have a food scientist friend who did an internship with a guy who was on the team of ten people who spent several years of their lives figuring out how to put potato chips into a can. So I have a remote and somewhat nifty tie to Pringles.
As a compulsive overeater, I can probably think of a fun and zany and remote connection with any food to be honest with you. Food facts and diet facts are somewhat of a specialty of mine. I was never really overweight by more than ten or fifteen pounds until I was in my middle twenties. But to keep my figure, I started dieting in kindergarten, imitating the diets of my teenage sisters -- drinking diet sodas and eating diet jello and making Weight Watcher's pizzas -- a slice of bread with katchsup and a slice of cheese toasted in the oven. It doesn't sound healthy today but in the 1970s it was considered to be diet food. By Junior High School I was on diet pills on and off. But my favorite method of keeping my weight down was starvation. I had anorexic friends who became so skinny they had to go into the hospital and I envied their willpower. I could never go that far. I could starve myself for several days in a row but it always ended in a binge. Often I would pass out before the binge.
In 2001 I finally realized I had an eating disorder. I was a classic "food addict." I was addicted to eating and to dieting. None of it worked for me. I needed help. I found help with a 12-step food recovery program. Since then I have found much serenity in 12-step food recovery programs. But I've never found complete recovery. I've never been able to go year after year after year without eating compulsively -- without making crazy eating decisions like I made last night. Actually, the 12-step philosophy maintains that food addicts don't actually recover completely. We find a daily reprieve from our problem by working the tools and traditions of our program.
It is said to be simple but not easy. But to be honest with you, I don't think it's all that simple, either. I think it's hard. I don't envy the people who I know who are recovering drug addicts or alcoholics, don't get me wrong. I wouldn't want to trade problems with them -- not ever. But I do envy the simplicity of their programs. It's simple. If you are an alcoholic, you don't drink. If you are a food addict, you must eat. Typically you must eat three to four times per day. Many of us weigh and measure our food according to food plans that are designed uniquely for us by nutritionists. But not all food addicts do that. Some don't weigh and measure at all. Some follow a one-size-fits all food plan. There are a few different 12-steps food programs that each have different one-size-fits all plans. I know of three different 12-step programs with three different one-size-fits all plans. I have tried all three of them. I know people who have long-term recovery in each of the three programs -- people who have not eaten or dieted compulsively for ten and twenty years. And the people who belong to each of these fellowships think their fellowship is superior. Many think their way is the only effective way to overcome the food and dieting problems.
Nowadays there is a new movement afoot in the 12-step food recovery community. I think it's called "Primary Purpose." From what I understand, these people don't weigh and measure their food -- at least most of them don't. They work the steps very rigorously and focus more intently on taking a daily inventory. I guess they e-mail a 10th step inventory to their sponsors every night. I know food addicts who are working this program and they like it. I thought about trying it out myself.
But my sense is, it isn't a new version of the 12-step eating program that I need. But what I need is to really commit myself to working the program that has worked best for me in the past.
So I called for help today. I took out a phone list of people who work their 12-step eating recovery programs with the method that has worked for me in the past. This fellowship has a number of bulimics and anorexics as well as garden-variety compulsive eaters such as me (people who can't eat just one and not want more and more and more and more and more and more...)
I prayed before I started dialing. I said God, please hook me up with someone who isn't too crazy and give me the willingness to work with this person. The first person who picked up with the phone (her name began with a B.. I just started at the top of the page with the A's) said she wasn't available. But she said she knew of two people who are available and they work strong programs.
I thanked her and took their numbers.
Within a few minutes I was in touch with the first person who she suggested. The woman was attending a parade in rural Michigan. It was loud. She took my call anyway. She said yes, she would sponsor me. So, as of this moment, I have a new sponsor. I am looking forward to it but I also feel nervous. She doesn't do it the way I have done it in the past. My first sponsor in this particular branch of the 12-step eating disorder community was so particular that she would be upset if I didn't call her on the dot. I mean she would express frustration if I phoned two minutes early. I could never seem to get my clock to match up perfectly with her clock. Despite this extremely particular attention to detail, I got a lot out of the relationship. She was a good sponsor. I learned a lot from her. But it only lasted for ten months. Then I decided to eat some cookies or something. Once you have three "slips" you can't continue to work with the same sponsor anymore. It's just a rule. The idea is that there is some kind of breakdown in the relationship and it just isn't working. I think this is actually a very good premise.
I don't really know much at all about my new sponsor except that she is available and that she apparently likes rural parades. She works things quite differently than some sponsors that I have had in the past, though. She wants me to call her during a range of time. We selected 4:30 to 5 p.m. She doesn't work in the summer and wouldn't be available until after 9 a.m. I am very busy by 9 a.m. in the morning. We will just talk for fifteen minutes on the phone each day but I have to say I am a little bit nervous about the phone call range instead of having a specific time to call.
But I am turning that over for today. I want to work this program. It really helps me in every area of my life.
What does this have to do with my Poor Journalist Getting Down to Business series? What does this have to do with my new career as a saleswoman? Absolutely everything. It's like when you get in an airplane and the stewardess tells you that you have to put on your mask first before you can help the person next to you -- even if that person is a little child.
My eating recovery program is like my air mask. I need it. If I don't have it, things in my life go awry quite quickly. Carrying extra weight around just doesn't feel good. It's uncomfortable. But even worse than the discomfort of carrying around extra weight are the emotional and mental highs and lows that are associated with not eating correctly.
I'm ready to abstain from compulsive overeating one day at a time with the support of my new sponsor and my 12-step community. I'm really grateful to have this program to turn to, actually. So many people have serious medical problems that don't have a solution. There's no cure for compulsive overeating. But there are solutions in the 12-step community. I am happy today to be living in the solution.
No yummy cookies or cupcakes or treats in the world taste as good as the solution feels.
People who do not have this problem and who have not spent time living in the solution sometimes think that those of us who follow twelve-step eating programs are exaggerators. They think we should just get over it. Even some of my close family members who have watched my struggles and experienced my recovery think I can be extreme. It bothers one of my sisters to death that I weigh my milk on a kitchen scale. She insists it is not the correct way to measure milk. It doesn't matter, though. It's how I was instructed to do it, so it's how I do it.
With all 12-step programs, the key is surrender.
To most people that doesn't sound like a horrible activity. It isn't as though I killed someone. It isn't as if I took heroin or drank myself into a wild frenzy. Heck, I didn't even drive anywhere! I was going to go out but there were tornado warnings and lightening. So, I just stayed in and ate half a package of mint Oreos and a canister of Pringles potato chips. I like Pringles. I have a food scientist friend who did an internship with a guy who was on the team of ten people who spent several years of their lives figuring out how to put potato chips into a can. So I have a remote and somewhat nifty tie to Pringles.
As a compulsive overeater, I can probably think of a fun and zany and remote connection with any food to be honest with you. Food facts and diet facts are somewhat of a specialty of mine. I was never really overweight by more than ten or fifteen pounds until I was in my middle twenties. But to keep my figure, I started dieting in kindergarten, imitating the diets of my teenage sisters -- drinking diet sodas and eating diet jello and making Weight Watcher's pizzas -- a slice of bread with katchsup and a slice of cheese toasted in the oven. It doesn't sound healthy today but in the 1970s it was considered to be diet food. By Junior High School I was on diet pills on and off. But my favorite method of keeping my weight down was starvation. I had anorexic friends who became so skinny they had to go into the hospital and I envied their willpower. I could never go that far. I could starve myself for several days in a row but it always ended in a binge. Often I would pass out before the binge.
In 2001 I finally realized I had an eating disorder. I was a classic "food addict." I was addicted to eating and to dieting. None of it worked for me. I needed help. I found help with a 12-step food recovery program. Since then I have found much serenity in 12-step food recovery programs. But I've never found complete recovery. I've never been able to go year after year after year without eating compulsively -- without making crazy eating decisions like I made last night. Actually, the 12-step philosophy maintains that food addicts don't actually recover completely. We find a daily reprieve from our problem by working the tools and traditions of our program.
It is said to be simple but not easy. But to be honest with you, I don't think it's all that simple, either. I think it's hard. I don't envy the people who I know who are recovering drug addicts or alcoholics, don't get me wrong. I wouldn't want to trade problems with them -- not ever. But I do envy the simplicity of their programs. It's simple. If you are an alcoholic, you don't drink. If you are a food addict, you must eat. Typically you must eat three to four times per day. Many of us weigh and measure our food according to food plans that are designed uniquely for us by nutritionists. But not all food addicts do that. Some don't weigh and measure at all. Some follow a one-size-fits all food plan. There are a few different 12-steps food programs that each have different one-size-fits all plans. I know of three different 12-step programs with three different one-size-fits all plans. I have tried all three of them. I know people who have long-term recovery in each of the three programs -- people who have not eaten or dieted compulsively for ten and twenty years. And the people who belong to each of these fellowships think their fellowship is superior. Many think their way is the only effective way to overcome the food and dieting problems.
Nowadays there is a new movement afoot in the 12-step food recovery community. I think it's called "Primary Purpose." From what I understand, these people don't weigh and measure their food -- at least most of them don't. They work the steps very rigorously and focus more intently on taking a daily inventory. I guess they e-mail a 10th step inventory to their sponsors every night. I know food addicts who are working this program and they like it. I thought about trying it out myself.
But my sense is, it isn't a new version of the 12-step eating program that I need. But what I need is to really commit myself to working the program that has worked best for me in the past.
So I called for help today. I took out a phone list of people who work their 12-step eating recovery programs with the method that has worked for me in the past. This fellowship has a number of bulimics and anorexics as well as garden-variety compulsive eaters such as me (people who can't eat just one and not want more and more and more and more and more and more...)
I prayed before I started dialing. I said God, please hook me up with someone who isn't too crazy and give me the willingness to work with this person. The first person who picked up with the phone (her name began with a B.. I just started at the top of the page with the A's) said she wasn't available. But she said she knew of two people who are available and they work strong programs.
I thanked her and took their numbers.
Within a few minutes I was in touch with the first person who she suggested. The woman was attending a parade in rural Michigan. It was loud. She took my call anyway. She said yes, she would sponsor me. So, as of this moment, I have a new sponsor. I am looking forward to it but I also feel nervous. She doesn't do it the way I have done it in the past. My first sponsor in this particular branch of the 12-step eating disorder community was so particular that she would be upset if I didn't call her on the dot. I mean she would express frustration if I phoned two minutes early. I could never seem to get my clock to match up perfectly with her clock. Despite this extremely particular attention to detail, I got a lot out of the relationship. She was a good sponsor. I learned a lot from her. But it only lasted for ten months. Then I decided to eat some cookies or something. Once you have three "slips" you can't continue to work with the same sponsor anymore. It's just a rule. The idea is that there is some kind of breakdown in the relationship and it just isn't working. I think this is actually a very good premise.
I don't really know much at all about my new sponsor except that she is available and that she apparently likes rural parades. She works things quite differently than some sponsors that I have had in the past, though. She wants me to call her during a range of time. We selected 4:30 to 5 p.m. She doesn't work in the summer and wouldn't be available until after 9 a.m. I am very busy by 9 a.m. in the morning. We will just talk for fifteen minutes on the phone each day but I have to say I am a little bit nervous about the phone call range instead of having a specific time to call.
But I am turning that over for today. I want to work this program. It really helps me in every area of my life.
What does this have to do with my Poor Journalist Getting Down to Business series? What does this have to do with my new career as a saleswoman? Absolutely everything. It's like when you get in an airplane and the stewardess tells you that you have to put on your mask first before you can help the person next to you -- even if that person is a little child.
My eating recovery program is like my air mask. I need it. If I don't have it, things in my life go awry quite quickly. Carrying extra weight around just doesn't feel good. It's uncomfortable. But even worse than the discomfort of carrying around extra weight are the emotional and mental highs and lows that are associated with not eating correctly.
I'm ready to abstain from compulsive overeating one day at a time with the support of my new sponsor and my 12-step community. I'm really grateful to have this program to turn to, actually. So many people have serious medical problems that don't have a solution. There's no cure for compulsive overeating. But there are solutions in the 12-step community. I am happy today to be living in the solution.
No yummy cookies or cupcakes or treats in the world taste as good as the solution feels.
People who do not have this problem and who have not spent time living in the solution sometimes think that those of us who follow twelve-step eating programs are exaggerators. They think we should just get over it. Even some of my close family members who have watched my struggles and experienced my recovery think I can be extreme. It bothers one of my sisters to death that I weigh my milk on a kitchen scale. She insists it is not the correct way to measure milk. It doesn't matter, though. It's how I was instructed to do it, so it's how I do it.
With all 12-step programs, the key is surrender.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Branding
It's working.
Sigh.
It's been a low week for me with my 17-year-old cat seemingly near death a few days ago, with a mild but slightly frightening flare-up of my Multiple Sclerosis, with general discombobulation that resulted in me locking my keys in my car and, on a separate occasion, locking my phone in my car and misplacing my keys in the most random place (After four hours of house cleaning they turned up in a bag that belongs to my roommate. They were not dropped or put in it but just sort of got skooched into the remote and random location during a string of set downs and pick ups that occurred throughout Tuesday evening on a bench by the front door).
Everything seemed broken this morning. I doubted I would be able to sell anything this week. I felt depressed and somewhat beaten. Not ready to give up, mind you; as many of you know, I was raised by Lion's fans. I don't give up -- not ever. I refuse to give up. I'm just ornery and hopeful that way. It works for me. But I felt like jumping back into bed until Monday, pulling my freshly-laundered quilt up to my neck and reading something -- maybe even something a bit sordid, like a couple dozen paper-back romance novels or something, anything to deliver me from my feelings of uselessness and self pity.
But it must become very dark before we see the stars. Somebody very wise said that first, and much more eloquently than I just did. But I can't remember who or where and I suppose it doesn't matter.
What matters is that today is the day that I decided to keep walking through doors even though I didn't feel the teeniest bit like a person who had a cup that was even a third full.
But I walked anyway. And it only took one door to restore me to happiness.
The business owner was busy. I sat and chatted with the staff for a minute. We talked about travel, newspapers, pets, politics.
I set a date with the business owner to come back and nail down the enrollment details (that date is Monday). And then I noticed I'd locked my keys in my car for the second time this week.
Eye Yie Yie!!!
I walked back into the store. A man who is apparently somehow related to the business owner (who just minutes before told me wonderful stories about his travels in China and Tahiti) offered to take me to the police station or to a garage to see if we could find someone to unlock my car for free. He took a look at it and figured out he couldn't do it himself. I had the grace to take him up on his offer. It was so obvious he just wanted to help. He wanted to be kind and useful. As I suspected, there were no free offers to get my keys out. A State Police Sergeant called a towing company and they met me at my car about twenty minutes later.
Meanwhile I sat inside the business with the owner, a staff person and this man who is seemingly a relative of some sort, possibly not a husband, since the relationship wasn't stated, perhaps a brother.
It was revealed to me then that three other people from the company I work for had been in to try to earn this new business owner's business. The last time I had stopped in, there had only been two in addition to me and the business owner told me then that I had been chosen -- largely as a result of my effectively written note congratulating her on her soon-to-happen grand opening.
She lifted her leg in the air as if she were playing kickball after telling me about the others who had come in.
"That's it." She said. "I told them we're doing business with Patty. If anymore of them come in here, I'm gonna kick them out of here."
Yay! This is what we call branding in the sales business. When there are hundreds of people who sell your product you have to stand out. You can't be like plain ketchup. You've gotta be Heinz or Hunts. Otherwise, you'll never make it.
She brought her foot back down to the floor.
"I told them Patty's our girl."
Sigh.
It's been a low week for me with my 17-year-old cat seemingly near death a few days ago, with a mild but slightly frightening flare-up of my Multiple Sclerosis, with general discombobulation that resulted in me locking my keys in my car and, on a separate occasion, locking my phone in my car and misplacing my keys in the most random place (After four hours of house cleaning they turned up in a bag that belongs to my roommate. They were not dropped or put in it but just sort of got skooched into the remote and random location during a string of set downs and pick ups that occurred throughout Tuesday evening on a bench by the front door).
Everything seemed broken this morning. I doubted I would be able to sell anything this week. I felt depressed and somewhat beaten. Not ready to give up, mind you; as many of you know, I was raised by Lion's fans. I don't give up -- not ever. I refuse to give up. I'm just ornery and hopeful that way. It works for me. But I felt like jumping back into bed until Monday, pulling my freshly-laundered quilt up to my neck and reading something -- maybe even something a bit sordid, like a couple dozen paper-back romance novels or something, anything to deliver me from my feelings of uselessness and self pity.
But it must become very dark before we see the stars. Somebody very wise said that first, and much more eloquently than I just did. But I can't remember who or where and I suppose it doesn't matter.
What matters is that today is the day that I decided to keep walking through doors even though I didn't feel the teeniest bit like a person who had a cup that was even a third full.
But I walked anyway. And it only took one door to restore me to happiness.
The business owner was busy. I sat and chatted with the staff for a minute. We talked about travel, newspapers, pets, politics.
I set a date with the business owner to come back and nail down the enrollment details (that date is Monday). And then I noticed I'd locked my keys in my car for the second time this week.
Eye Yie Yie!!!
I walked back into the store. A man who is apparently somehow related to the business owner (who just minutes before told me wonderful stories about his travels in China and Tahiti) offered to take me to the police station or to a garage to see if we could find someone to unlock my car for free. He took a look at it and figured out he couldn't do it himself. I had the grace to take him up on his offer. It was so obvious he just wanted to help. He wanted to be kind and useful. As I suspected, there were no free offers to get my keys out. A State Police Sergeant called a towing company and they met me at my car about twenty minutes later.
Meanwhile I sat inside the business with the owner, a staff person and this man who is seemingly a relative of some sort, possibly not a husband, since the relationship wasn't stated, perhaps a brother.
It was revealed to me then that three other people from the company I work for had been in to try to earn this new business owner's business. The last time I had stopped in, there had only been two in addition to me and the business owner told me then that I had been chosen -- largely as a result of my effectively written note congratulating her on her soon-to-happen grand opening.
She lifted her leg in the air as if she were playing kickball after telling me about the others who had come in.
"That's it." She said. "I told them we're doing business with Patty. If anymore of them come in here, I'm gonna kick them out of here."
Yay! This is what we call branding in the sales business. When there are hundreds of people who sell your product you have to stand out. You can't be like plain ketchup. You've gotta be Heinz or Hunts. Otherwise, you'll never make it.
She brought her foot back down to the floor.
"I told them Patty's our girl."
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Bootstraps
Les Brown is the man.
I went to hear him speak today at a Yes Network event. What a story! What a force. The man is so down-to-earth and hilarious. I remember listening to him on the radio in Detroit when I was a girl sometimes. Today he is a multi-million dollar motivational speaker, prostate cancer survivor, former Ohio State Legislator. And my favorite thing about him: The man wants to look young but he's allergic to hair dye. So he blackens his hair with mascara!
You gotta love that!
Anyway, I am totally out of any funk I experienced this week and ready to go gettem'.
I am grateful to be on a great team with a great company living in a great state in a great country on a great planet within a great solar system in a fan tab u liss galaxy.
And all that stuff.
Thanks for the love y'all!
I went to hear him speak today at a Yes Network event. What a story! What a force. The man is so down-to-earth and hilarious. I remember listening to him on the radio in Detroit when I was a girl sometimes. Today he is a multi-million dollar motivational speaker, prostate cancer survivor, former Ohio State Legislator. And my favorite thing about him: The man wants to look young but he's allergic to hair dye. So he blackens his hair with mascara!
You gotta love that!
Anyway, I am totally out of any funk I experienced this week and ready to go gettem'.
I am grateful to be on a great team with a great company living in a great state in a great country on a great planet within a great solar system in a fan tab u liss galaxy.
And all that stuff.
Thanks for the love y'all!
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