Monday, August 2, 2010
I'm amazed at the love in my life -- and the kindness and generosity of my friends and family.
People just love me. I don't get it.
I wasn't feeling especially loveable today. I was feeling like a failure. I was feeling like I might as well just hold my thumb and index finger to my forehead all day in the shape of a big "L." I was feeling like a big fat loser.
But I didn't lose -- because people love me and that love and generosity held me in place all day. It lifted me up. It saw me through.
It all started with a phone conversation with a 12-step friend from my eating meeting this morning. I didn't sell a single insurance policy last week and since having my 17-year-old kitty friend Lucy put to sleep on Friday I've been depressed --really blue. Actually, the depression started Thursday when I realized I had to do it and called the vet to make the appointment. I've never had a pet for its whole life and I'd acquired Lucy at a time when I was newly married, expecting to have a family. She was to be like practice. But I didn't end up with children and the marriage ended in 2000. Lucy was with me through so much. My mother, who died in 1998,brought Lucy little treats when she was a kitten.
I didn't expect people to really understand how this loss has set me back. I'm supposed to be out selling insurance, after all. I need to beat the recession. I need to get this career up and going. I don't have time to be sad. I don't have time to be thrown off base.
But people have been so understanding. This morning I found a framed picture of Lucy in pink tissue paper. My roommate had left it for me. The frame has sweet little hearts all around it and says Live, Love, Laugh all over the place.
My nephew, Joe, took me out for Chinese food this evening. He's such a caring young man and I love him so much. We talked about Lucy quit a bit, and about 12-step recovery and about our jobs. I started feeling grounded and my mood was shifting. Then a man tried to walk out of the restaurant with the Buddha that sits by the cash register. There's nothing like watching a guy try to steal a Buddha in broad daylight to make you feel like you're not such a huge loser after all. I mean, I may not be the world's greatest saleswoman. But I am willing to learn. I am willing to work hard. I am willing to keep trying. And I have never felt so down and out that I've wanted to steal a Buddha in broad daylight (or even in the night or anything). So, I guess I am not the worst person in the world after all.
Even my 80-year-old dad who is not a cat fan understands and has been extremely compassionate. I hated to call him today and ask for money again but I had to. Some money I had been expecting in the mail didn't come. Some equiptment I had ordered for my business didn't come in the mail, either. It has not been a good seven days. Things have not been working out the way I had planned or hoped in most capacities and I've been really sad and grouchy.
Amazingly, my dear old dad understood completely. He has always called cats "walking flea bags." When I stayed with him he actually made me keep my cats locked in a cage in the basement. He thinks they are disease-ridden creatures. Imagine me trying to explain to this man that I was still a little behind on my earnings (largly due to the setback brought on by the loss of my cat) and I need money.
"Patty," he said. "You know I am not going to say that I understand this situation because I have never liked cats. But I understand that you loved that cat and took very good care of it for seventeen years. It is normal that you are going to be very sad." I was bawling by this point, of course. "How much do you need?"
I told him.
"That's not a problem. We will take care of this situation and get you on your feet. And if I check my accounts and find that I have another seventy-five cents in it, I'll write the check for seventy-five cents more."
I told him I loved him and that he's the best dad in the world. This whole reliance upon people for help is a pretty good thing. I never used to be this way. Honestly, I never in my life imagined how generous and kind people are.
Posted by Patty at 5:57 PM