Just Being Human

So the whole completely giving up compulsive blogging thing didn't work very well.

I suppose it's the sort of thing that shouldn't be approached cold turkey.

Rather than give it all up, I've decided to just make sure I go to the gym sometimes -- in addition to blogging -- and, you know, remember to pay attention to my social life outside of the computer. To that effect I'm sitting here in my pajamas concocting weekend plans and considering the most efficient way to pack my gym bag for tomorrow -- when I also happen to be having coffee with my big brother of of Ann Arbor journalism at noon (unless one of us happens to cancel again since we keep canceling on each other).

I feel super happy and all of the grouchiness from the weekend has passed. Sorry to those of you who I more-or-less told to shut up. I had enough noise in my own head and just needed the quiet. Plus, I get sick of everyone's nurturing and advice sometimes. You know? I'm going to be turning forty five in a few months. People can stop worrying about me. I know how to look both ways before I cross the road and usually I do it. And when I don't, I'm willing to accept the consequences. Although I must admit I have appreciated the few occasions in my life when people have grabbed the back of my shirt and pulled me back to the curb. Smile. Seriously, this has happened to me twice as an adult. So, I guess I don't really mind people looking out for me. I sort of like it. I just wish you'd all keep it to yourself and stuff like that. I can do things. I'm very competent. I'm an adult after all!!!

So, before I head off into the wonderful world of fall canvassing on a beautiful day in Michigan (There's no better work than this, I kid you not. We were in Adrian last night, out in the country, beautiful farmland with rolling golden soybean fields and maples just starting to turn red and yellow), let me just update you on a few things related to my career and life transition.

First of all, some of you may be wondering why I write about weight and dating in a career transition blog. And I decided it's a topic worthy of discussion. The fact is, as a compulsive overeater I've found it difficult in my life to find balance. Most people who deal with any sort of addiction or compulsive behavior can relate to this, I am certain. In my life I have often used work in the same way that I have used cookies and cake. I've poured myself into it to such a degree that I've ignored my feelings and relationships.

So I decided, when I quit trying to be a superstar insurance saleswoman and realized it just wasn't happening for me, that maybe I should just try dating a little bit. I had been mostly thinking I should wait until the Poor Journalist got back to business to date. I thought I would feel more able to contribute to a relationship then. Also, I felt like I didn't want to date if I wasn't where I wanted to be financially. I had all sorts of excuses in my head for avoiding the mess of relationships. But then I realized I didn't want to go through too many more Christmases without having anybody special to hang ornaments with me. So, I thought I could just try it and see.

I'm really glad I did. I think there's a pretty good chance things will work out with this guy who I have a crush on now, too. He's a super guy in lots of ways -- my favorite way being that he's much more in touch with what's going on emotionally with himself and with me than any other man who I've ever dated. He's also very frank and up front. That's cool. I like it. He's taking cave time right now -- figuring out some stuff from a past relationship. I like that, too -- a man who knows when he needs time for himself to figure out what's going on in his heart and head; and even better yet, a guy who's willing to step up and give me a call and tell me that that's exactly what he needs to do (some guys will just leave you hanging, wondering if they've flown off to Siberia with a circus maiden). So whatever happens with this guy, I think the experience of dating him has been really helpful for moving me in a direction toward balance and maturity. And no matter what, he gets to go down in history as the first over 40 man who's ever kissed me. Totally excellent kisser, mind you.

So, enough about kissing and romance... on to weight and boundaries with that.

In addition to the stress of having new feelings for someone (feelings are stressful for people who are compulsive overeaters -- happiness, surprise, sadness, worry, waiting, wondering, anger, jealousy, joy... all reasons to eat sugar. Any feeling makes us want to eat sugar), I have decided to break away from the pack of my friends who attend my eating meetings. This has been really stressful to me because these are some of my very closest friends and I haven't wanted to disappoint them. Also, since I am not sure that what my heart desires to do with regard to my food plan is really the best thing, I have been feeling really worried that I might lead some of them astray, too.

One of the hardest things about being a food addict is the very public nature of the condition. I rely really heavily on my friends for support and encouragement and I get quite a lot out of the twelve-step spirituality. For long periods in my life I have had success with following a food plan from a nutritionist and following a daily set of routines and rituals that are practiced by many of my friends in the twelve-step fellowship. I actually was one of the first people in Ann Arbor to adopt this regimented way of dealing with the food addiction and I co-founded one of the most successful and popular twelve-step meetings in Ann Arbor in 2003. I was a poster child then for the fellowship. I travelled to Washington, DC, a few times to be a lead speaker and share about how I had lost so much weight and kept it off by following the twelve-step way of life.

But for the past few years this hasn't really been working so well. And I am glad for some of our slogans in the program. The slogan I keep thinking about is, "Take What You Want And Leave The Rest." I also keep thinking about a statement that's read at every meeting. It is, "The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop eating compulsively." I don't have to follow a particular food plan. I don't have to weigh and measure my food. I don't have to talk to a sponsor every day. Those are excellent tools and they have worked well for me in the past. They may work well for me again in the future. But at this moment in my life, those tools are not working for me. So, I have decided to step away from the pack and try this other nutritional program that a friend from church is involved with. It's what I want to do. I've decided not to mention what program it is because I know that if I do I will get a ton of opinions about it and people will share with me their experiences good and bad. I don't want to hear it although I do appreciate the concerns.

I'm just going to do it -- and continue going to my eating meetings because I feel as though I really, really, really am a certifiable compulsive overeater who has been addicted to sugar her whole life. I need my friends. I love my friends. I intend to hang out with my twelve-step friends even though it might make them a little bit uncomfortable that I'm doing things a little bit differently now. That's OK. I'm not trying to promote my choices.

I'm just trying to be an emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy human today.

Charity

‎"Perfect charity consists of enduring the faults of others, of not being at all astonished by their weaknesses, of being edified of the smallest acts of virtue which one sees them practice." ~ St. Therese de Lisieux

So what's really wrong with me? I've felt like such a grouch all day.

It has to do with this crush that I have, I suppose.

I think it quite possibly won't work out and that feels sad. He's such a nice guy -- so handsome, so smart, so cuddly, such a good storyteller, so experienced. I like him.

But I went and told him about some boundaries I have because of my faith and emotions with regard to some personal issues and I am worried we aren't going to be compatible now. And the really disturbing thing is that I'm no good at talking about these sorts of differences -- and I told him via e-mails of these very personal things which should be spoken face-to-face. It's true: I have an e-mail problem! I explain waaay too much, possibly waaay too soon. It comes off looking a little nutty, I suppose -- um, because it IS a little nutty.

Fear of rejection, I guess, is what I'm feeling now. And that's sort of silly. I know how silly it is. If he's not the one for me, he's just not the one for me. But he ran with the bulls in Pamplona when he was in his early twenties. And he spent three weeks as a security guard for the Dalai Lama. And he's super cute and a great kisser and soooo cuddly. Of course I want him to be the one. Anybody who knows me knows how much I love these sorts of qualities in a man. Sigh. But the fact is, he very well might not be the one for me. Maybe God has someone really boring in mind for me or something. You never know.

I just had to come clean and admit this whole silly crush is at the heart of my grouchiness, this crush and the feeling that it possibly isn't going to work out and also the knowledge that I handled the whole situation in a manner that is not especially attractive.

I've never been very good at the whole romantic seductress sort of thing. I leave no mystery. I'm overly concerned about the truth of matters and other people's feelings -- and my own feelings, perhaps. Maybe not. It's hard to say.

This is the way I've always been. I suppose I'll always be this way. I sort of like me most of the time -- except when I'm having a crush on someone.

So I went to sit in meditation at my church's Eucharistic Adoration Chapel for a little while to get some peace in my soul, to let go of the agitation, to just sit with Jesus and feel the unconditional Love God has for me.

It was nice. I started reading a chapter of I Believe in Love A Personal Retreat Based on the Teaching of St. Therese of Lisieux by Father Jean C. J. d' Elbee.

I read a chapter about Charity and within a few pages I stumbled upon one of my favorite quotes about love from St. Therese of Lisieux.

"Perfect charity consists of enduring the faults of others, of not being at all astonished by their weaknesses, of being edified of the smallest acts of virtue which one sees them practice."

It may seem funny but I didn't even realize until a few years ago that Charity is actually a high form of Love. Charity is a special type of love. My friend Dcn. Nate Harburg explained it to me. He is a big fan of St. Therese and her writings. He prays for her to intercede for me quite often. When Dcn. Nate prays to St. Therese she often sends him roses. He's very close to God and I feel lucky to have a friend who spends so much time in prayer. I could use to spend more time in prayer and less time on Facebook.

I have been so grouchy. Having special feelings for someone makes me feel a bit out of control. Feeling fat makes me feel out of control. Feeling grouchy and irritated with life, I suppose, helps me to feel some element of control.

It's never easy for a person who struggles with an addiction to deal with feelings. Here I am dealing with feelings toward a man at exactly a time when I am trying to face my resurfaced eating issues.

Geesh.

I'm giving myself a little break. St. Therese refers to charity for our neighbors and I'm down with that. But also, I'm thinking, I need to practice more charity towards myself this week.

Treading very gently now... with no need to solve the mysteries of the world or even the mysteries of my heart.

It's good enough just to be human and to feel my own breaths. Today I just need the simplicity of The Little Way.

P.S. No advice, please. I'm not looking for any advice on this post. I just felt like writing about it all and now I feel better for having done so. Thank you.

Just Shut Up!

One of the things I hate the most about being a compulsive overeater is the public nature of the condition.

When a person gains fifty pounds in six months, as I just have, it's pretty noticeable. People generally don't say anything when they see you gaining weight. They may whisper behind your back. And of course, if I were a celebrity (THANK GOD I'M NOT!) unflattering beach photos would be the talk of the town. But for the most part, people don't really say anything honest to someone when she's gaining wait. Nobody has ever said to me, for instance, "OMG! You're busting out of those jeans!" Nobody's ever said,"Keep eating that cake, Patty, you can sign up for the Diabetic Support Group next week."

No, people don't talk like that to compulsive eaters when we're getting fat -- possibly because most people eat compulsively at one time or another during their lives and because hardly anybody's ever at exactly the weight they want to be at. I was for about ten minutes one day. It was GLORIOUS. Did I ever look like a hottie! Someone even told me I was modelesque. Modelesque. Now that's a sweet sounding word to hear -- especially when you're pushing forty.

But let's face it, my modelesque moment is gone. I'm forty-four. And I'm fat! Seriously. I am SOOOOO fat, it's unbelievable to me. I was this fat before for awhile. But I haven't been anywhere near this fat in a decade. I'd forgotten what fat feels like. I'd been in denial of what fat feels like. It feels TERRIBLE. I hate fat. Hate it.

Here's the thing, though. Even though I know I'm really fat (Seriously, this much fat is a health risk), people won't agree with me that I'm fat. They tell me I look good (OK, so I admit, I photo shopped some recent photos a bit and it might not totally be their fault). But the fact is, people don't like to tell other people they look fat. I suppose that's fair enough. I mean, I can't really imagine myself going up to someone and saying, "Wow, you've really gained a hell of a lot of weight. You're enormous." You know, stuff like that, it just ISN'T NICE.

But here's the thing I hate the most: People won't tell you you're fat when you're fat. They tell you, you "look good!" They say, "I hadn't noticed." They say, "Oh, there's no way you've gained that much weight. The scale must be broken."

But the moment I lose ten pounds, the comments begin -- and they won't end! Everybody and their seventy-nine closest friends and neighbors has SOMETHING to say about a person's weight loss. I hate it. I wish people would just shut up. I've been down this road before. I know what I have to do. It takes commitment. It takes support. It takes planning. It takes exercise. But really, it's not all that difficult once I've become miserable enough with the consequences of eating cookies. And I'm pretty miserable. So the weight will come off.


And the comments will start in about two weeks:

"You're looking so good!"

"You're doing a great job!"

"You're being so good!"

"You have so much willpower!"

This sort of nonsense. I hate it. I don't like hearing it. It bugs me. Why does it bug me? It bugs me because of the way in which people in our culture associate thinness with goodness and fatness with badness, I suppose. It bugs me because of the way in which people associate fatness with ugliness and thinness with prettiness.

It bugs me because I get irritable when I give up sugar. It bugs me because I feel watched. It bugs me because everybody tells me their tips on weight loss when I haven't asked for them. It bugs me because all of a sudden my personal medical business has become everybody in the world's business.

Compulsive overeating, like alcoholism and diabetes and lupus and muscular dystrophy and multiple sclerosis and cancer -- is a medical condition. It's an illness. I don't overeat because I am a weak person. And I don't lose weight and get fit because I'm a good person or a strong person or an admirable person.

It just is what it is.

And I'm grouchy!

Letters and happiness

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It's been a great week. I'm getting in a groove. I really love canvassing and now I'm getting the chance to mentor other canvassers because I'm starting training to become a field manager. I've made a commitment to stick with Clean Water Action until Feb. 6 and it feels good not to be thinking about job hunting.

I just feel happy. I don't feel too much like blogging and I guess that's healthy.

Let's see... some highlights from the week:

1. Totally walked through the shrubs of an average-sized lake-front mansion on Grosse Ile this week and found myself on the middle of the lawn of the hugest mansion ever. It had glass windows all around it. Boy, did I feel sneaky. Finally I found a door that was not also a window and knocked. Nobody answered. I really don't think anybody was home. Good thing we canvas with permits. It would have been a little bit embarrassing if I'd encountered security, given that the house is actually heavily gated (I hadn't noticed the gates, of course, since I'd just slipped through an opening in the neighbor's shrubs.

2. Totally bumped into a street sign with the name of this guy who I'm crushing on. Sigh. The small pleasures in life.

3. Got tons of kids and their parents to write letters to President Obama on the topic of significantly raising our miles-per-gallon standards starting in 2017 to decrease our dependency on Foreign Oil. Lots of kids drew pictures on the letters. Some were even related to the topic. We collect the letters at the end of the night. People tape them to their doors. Clean Water Action is hand delivering several thousand letters to President Obama at the end of month.

4. Had a great presentation by Ashley from Cleveland who told us how her organization uses "Good Neighbor Campaigns" to get companies who are major polluters to stop polluting and clean up their acts. Rather than go through the government (since the EPA fines these businesses but doesn't force them to stop polluting), the Cleveland canvas gets people to write letters directly to CEOs of companies and puts pressure on them to become more concerned about toxins and pollution. It's very effective in Ohio.

5. Met Sarah Roberts.

6. Took a little break at an Oak Tree when I was canvassing Saturday afternoon in Saline and met a little gopher-like critter who lives in the tree. Very cute. A little bit shy. I love these little encounters with wildlife.

...........

That's about it. Sorry I just don't feel like writing more this week. I'm busy getting happy.

New Boundaries

I've become quite a compulsive blogger. It's been complimenting my compulsive eating (I've pretty much been eating compulsively ever since late February when I started blogging) and keeping me from doing some important things I need to be doing -- like laundry and getting to my eating meetings and going to the gym.

It all started with trying to be a great saleswoman, I suppose. I was so bent on being the super hero who proved she could beat the recession in Michigan after all the attention my stories were receiving on Open Salon. After having received such a rude and abrupt dismissal from the Ann Arbor News in 2005, I'd really lost my confidence as a journalist. So I guess I thought I had something to prove.

Well, I did prove some things -- but I didn't prove I could become a rock-star saleswoman with no previous experience and single-handedly beat the recession in Michigan.

I guess I won't be doing any book signings or window displays at Borders in the spring. No kidding, some of my buddies on Open Salon were certain I was writing a bestseller. They were also certain that I wasn't only going to make 57 K this year but that I was going to make 75 K. But there's so much gratuitous flattery on Open Salon. People are overly gushy, in part, because they want you to visit their posts and say equally gratuitous things. I admit, I did it too. It's the culture -- something like Junior High School. And what's really sad is, who knows if Borders will even be around in the spring considering the rate at which bookstores are closing.

I am sorry to disappoint anybody. But I expect I'll earn less this year than I earned last year.

At least I've learned some things about compassion for myself and others. That's pretty useful, I suppose, and not to be underrated.

But I've made some decisions about my life this weekend that pretty much rule out the possibility of me getting anywhere near that 57K this year. In fact, the path I've decided to take ensures that I'll only make about $12,500 in the next six months.

It feels peaceful to me. I've never needed expensive things to be happy. I've only needed to enjoy what I'm doing and feel respected and appreciated by the people around me. I feel that way at Clean Water Action. And since I've got about fifty pounds to lose (that will probably take twelve months, not six), I need to keep my work life really simple.

I don't want to look for a different job right now. I just want to work for Clean Water Action for the next six months while I really focus on my eating program. It's something I've learned over the years that I have to be extremely diligent about. It takes commitment. It takes time. It's not easy. But it brings me so much peace.

I'd much rather be free from the habit of compulsive overeating than be rich. I'd much rather be free from the habit of compulsive overeating than have a job that people admire.

So I'll start considering how I'll layer my clothing during the winter months while I consider this important canvassing work that so many people frown upon. I'll get a headlamp so I can read house numbers during callbacks. It's already getting dark by 8p.m. and we canvass until 9 p.m.

I'll just suit up and show up and do the best I can.

Oh, and with regard to the blogging - I'm going back to once a week, at least for the next thirty days. I was starting to get my urge to save the world again. It's something that comes up when my eating is out of control -- this whole saving the world business. Most people really don't want to be saved. And I'm not very good at saving anybody, anyway. It's my big sisters who are the nurses, not me.

Big Sigh.

Thank God I don't have to save the world or anybody in it today.

The only person who I have to take really good care of is me.

Goodbye flower-frosted cookies from the all-night-drive-through bakery. It wasn't really all that much fun while it lasted anyway. To be honest with you, you're really sort of disgusting and certainly crumby.

Off-the-beaten-path Public Meetings

I'm all upset about Hydrofracking. I've been promoting a trailer for the movie Gasland in Facebook status updates and in my blog for a few weeks now. This week I spoke to a woman who was approached by a gas company that wanted to buy her mineral rights for $50 an acre. She didn't go for it but several of her neighbors did.

Hydrofracking is a dangerous process. I ruins land and water. It isn't fair. Big corporations are taking advantage of farmers and innocent people. That's what bothers me the most, I guess. The way in which people are being ripped off and mislead and the way in which journalism seems broken in our state and unable to protect people from being used in such situations.

When I was a newspaper reporter, one of my favorite things to do was to attend some way-off-the-beaten-track public meeting about something really important -- some meeting where you would never see television news or even radio -- the sort of public meeting turf where only paper newspaper reporters tred. Loved those nights. I'd trade my one-on-one-close-up-and-on-the-couch-45-minute interview with Bobby Kennedy, Jr. for a super important and underexposed back woods public meeting any day. And in addition to being extremely handsome, Bobby has tons of good and important things to say about the envornment and suggestions for how we can protect it (campaign finance reform being at the top of the list!). I just never felt democracy at work as strongly as when I attended those off-the-beaten-path meetings where important decisions were being made. It was important to witness and report. I knew it mattered.

I miss those meetings not only because I don't cover them anymore -- but because nobody does. With the state of journalism in Michigan today, those extremely important meetings are really not covered.

I fear for the consequences this will have on our state -- especially the cost to our environment. City hall and school board meetings will still be available on public access stations in many cases. Concerned people will have to seek out those meetings. But at least there is a tool in place for finding out what's going on. It's the smaller meetings -- township government, zoning boards of appeals... that really don't get much coverage at all now.

It's really frightening to me.

Maybe we should start using social media to cover meetings and keep each other informed. I don't know what the answer is. But I see the problem and it's big.

This Land Is Your Land

Today I had the honor of canvassing in the rain to protect our Great Lakes Water Basin.

It was a beautiful day.

I'm so grateful to live in a democracy.

But it only works when we work it.

On Sept. 11, 2001 I was reporting about the local shock-wave effect of the terrorist attacks. I watched the second tower fall with a classroom of sixth graders at Erickson Elementary School in Ypsilanti. Some of the kids had cousins who lived in New York City.

I felt so glad to be a part of a newspaper community then. When I went home that evening to my flat on Woodland Drive in Ann Arbor, I parked on the street as usual and nodded in commiserative sadness at Mrs. Baxter who was on the front lawn with her dog. She and the dog are prominant characters in the first few pages of her husband's book Feast Of Love which in September 2001 had recently been nominated for a National Book Award.

The newspaper is gone. I don't live in my cool flat on Woodland Drive anymore. The Baxters moved to Minnesota.

Everything's changed, it seems.

But today I felt exactly where I needed to be -- climbing front steps, knocking on doors, talking to people about how they can contribute to bipartisan political change.

It felt good. People were so welcoming and responsive. I didn't have an umbrella and my hair was pretty wet. I didn't care. They didn't, either. It was a warm rain. I felt charged. They gave generously.

As I finished my day I realized I'd thrown a faded red jacket over my navy and white cotton dress. So I really was all red, white and blue today.

I like that.