Sunday, September 12, 2010

New Boundaries

I've become quite a compulsive blogger. It's been complimenting my compulsive eating (I've pretty much been eating compulsively ever since late February when I started blogging) and keeping me from doing some important things I need to be doing -- like laundry and getting to my eating meetings and going to the gym.

It all started with trying to be a great saleswoman, I suppose. I was so bent on being the super hero who proved she could beat the recession in Michigan after all the attention my stories were receiving on Open Salon. After having received such a rude and abrupt dismissal from the Ann Arbor News in 2005, I'd really lost my confidence as a journalist. So I guess I thought I had something to prove.

Well, I did prove some things -- but I didn't prove I could become a rock-star saleswoman with no previous experience and single-handedly beat the recession in Michigan.

I guess I won't be doing any book signings or window displays at Borders in the spring. No kidding, some of my buddies on Open Salon were certain I was writing a bestseller. They were also certain that I wasn't only going to make 57 K this year but that I was going to make 75 K. But there's so much gratuitous flattery on Open Salon. People are overly gushy, in part, because they want you to visit their posts and say equally gratuitous things. I admit, I did it too. It's the culture -- something like Junior High School. And what's really sad is, who knows if Borders will even be around in the spring considering the rate at which bookstores are closing.

I am sorry to disappoint anybody. But I expect I'll earn less this year than I earned last year.

At least I've learned some things about compassion for myself and others. That's pretty useful, I suppose, and not to be underrated.

But I've made some decisions about my life this weekend that pretty much rule out the possibility of me getting anywhere near that 57K this year. In fact, the path I've decided to take ensures that I'll only make about $12,500 in the next six months.

It feels peaceful to me. I've never needed expensive things to be happy. I've only needed to enjoy what I'm doing and feel respected and appreciated by the people around me. I feel that way at Clean Water Action. And since I've got about fifty pounds to lose (that will probably take twelve months, not six), I need to keep my work life really simple.

I don't want to look for a different job right now. I just want to work for Clean Water Action for the next six months while I really focus on my eating program. It's something I've learned over the years that I have to be extremely diligent about. It takes commitment. It takes time. It's not easy. But it brings me so much peace.

I'd much rather be free from the habit of compulsive overeating than be rich. I'd much rather be free from the habit of compulsive overeating than have a job that people admire.

So I'll start considering how I'll layer my clothing during the winter months while I consider this important canvassing work that so many people frown upon. I'll get a headlamp so I can read house numbers during callbacks. It's already getting dark by 8p.m. and we canvass until 9 p.m.

I'll just suit up and show up and do the best I can.

Oh, and with regard to the blogging - I'm going back to once a week, at least for the next thirty days. I was starting to get my urge to save the world again. It's something that comes up when my eating is out of control -- this whole saving the world business. Most people really don't want to be saved. And I'm not very good at saving anybody, anyway. It's my big sisters who are the nurses, not me.

Big Sigh.

Thank God I don't have to save the world or anybody in it today.

The only person who I have to take really good care of is me.

Goodbye flower-frosted cookies from the all-night-drive-through bakery. It wasn't really all that much fun while it lasted anyway. To be honest with you, you're really sort of disgusting and certainly crumby.

1 comment: