Sunday, September 19, 2010
"Perfect charity consists of enduring the faults of others, of not being at all astonished by their weaknesses, of being edified of the smallest acts of virtue which one sees them practice." ~ St. Therese de Lisieux
So what's really wrong with me? I've felt like such a grouch all day.
It has to do with this crush that I have, I suppose.
I think it quite possibly won't work out and that feels sad. He's such a nice guy -- so handsome, so smart, so cuddly, such a good storyteller, so experienced. I like him.
But I went and told him about some boundaries I have because of my faith and emotions with regard to some personal issues and I am worried we aren't going to be compatible now. And the really disturbing thing is that I'm no good at talking about these sorts of differences -- and I told him via e-mails of these very personal things which should be spoken face-to-face. It's true: I have an e-mail problem! I explain waaay too much, possibly waaay too soon. It comes off looking a little nutty, I suppose -- um, because it IS a little nutty.
Fear of rejection, I guess, is what I'm feeling now. And that's sort of silly. I know how silly it is. If he's not the one for me, he's just not the one for me. But he ran with the bulls in Pamplona when he was in his early twenties. And he spent three weeks as a security guard for the Dalai Lama. And he's super cute and a great kisser and soooo cuddly. Of course I want him to be the one. Anybody who knows me knows how much I love these sorts of qualities in a man. Sigh. But the fact is, he very well might not be the one for me. Maybe God has someone really boring in mind for me or something. You never know.
I just had to come clean and admit this whole silly crush is at the heart of my grouchiness, this crush and the feeling that it possibly isn't going to work out and also the knowledge that I handled the whole situation in a manner that is not especially attractive.
I've never been very good at the whole romantic seductress sort of thing. I leave no mystery. I'm overly concerned about the truth of matters and other people's feelings -- and my own feelings, perhaps. Maybe not. It's hard to say.
This is the way I've always been. I suppose I'll always be this way. I sort of like me most of the time -- except when I'm having a crush on someone.
So I went to sit in meditation at my church's Eucharistic Adoration Chapel for a little while to get some peace in my soul, to let go of the agitation, to just sit with Jesus and feel the unconditional Love God has for me.
It was nice. I started reading a chapter of I Believe in Love A Personal Retreat Based on the Teaching of St. Therese of Lisieux by Father Jean C. J. d' Elbee.
I read a chapter about Charity and within a few pages I stumbled upon one of my favorite quotes about love from St. Therese of Lisieux.
"Perfect charity consists of enduring the faults of others, of not being at all astonished by their weaknesses, of being edified of the smallest acts of virtue which one sees them practice."
It may seem funny but I didn't even realize until a few years ago that Charity is actually a high form of Love. Charity is a special type of love. My friend Dcn. Nate Harburg explained it to me. He is a big fan of St. Therese and her writings. He prays for her to intercede for me quite often. When Dcn. Nate prays to St. Therese she often sends him roses. He's very close to God and I feel lucky to have a friend who spends so much time in prayer. I could use to spend more time in prayer and less time on Facebook.
I have been so grouchy. Having special feelings for someone makes me feel a bit out of control. Feeling fat makes me feel out of control. Feeling grouchy and irritated with life, I suppose, helps me to feel some element of control.
It's never easy for a person who struggles with an addiction to deal with feelings. Here I am dealing with feelings toward a man at exactly a time when I am trying to face my resurfaced eating issues.
I'm giving myself a little break. St. Therese refers to charity for our neighbors and I'm down with that. But also, I'm thinking, I need to practice more charity towards myself this week.
Treading very gently now... with no need to solve the mysteries of the world or even the mysteries of my heart.
It's good enough just to be human and to feel my own breaths. Today I just need the simplicity of The Little Way.
P.S. No advice, please. I'm not looking for any advice on this post. I just felt like writing about it all and now I feel better for having done so. Thank you.
Posted by Patty at 5:11 PM